When you drove with your right blinker on, in rush hour traffic, for over three miles I thought you were a little old lady. Therefore I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
When you realized that you suddenly and desperately needed to be in my place in my lane (despite your right blinker) I did not honk my horn or make grand hand gestures because, well, I was being polite to the little old lady that didn’t know how to drive.
(Quick mom, take pride here.)
When you decided it was time to play the unpredictable speed game, by driving with your brake (and your right blinker continuing to lie about your intentions) I bit my tongue, turned K-Love up and said a little prayer for the safety of everyone around us.
When you decided staying in the lines of your lane was as important as appearing sane is to Charlie Sheen I decided it was time to go around you, quickly, for the safety of my toddler and my unborn daughter. Passing you was no walk in the park, considering your blinker said you wanted right but you appeared to have an obsession with taking up all three lanes.
Are you winning?
The final straw was pulled when I was finally able to see you side-by-freakishly-close-side. Why would you lie about being a sweet little old lady that can’t see over the steering wheel and is too hard of hearing to notice her blinker? Why would you do that?
What’s more, you mind-numbingly over-stimulated teen driver, there are a few rules that apply to driving, especially when my daughters and I are in a car less than two feet away from you.
- Poodles do not belong in your lap while driving.
- It’s not necessary to hold your to-go box while driving.
- Your knee is not a substitute for one or both hands (watch out now) on the steering-wheel.
- Eating with the hand that is not holding the to-go box is not the correct thing to use the free hand for.
- Neither is texting. How you’re managing to text and hold a french fry at the same time is beyond me.
- If the dog is going to try to eat your french fry, while you’re steering the 2 ton piece of metal commonly known as a vehicle with your knee, texting your BFF about the last thing Bobby said to you in Chemistry II and trying to balance your to-go box, maybe you should consider giving up one of the distractions… like DRIVING.
These rules of driving apply to everyone. Is that french fry, text message, to-go box or bloody poodle worth risking the life of a three-year old, a seventy year old or anyone else around you for that matter? It’s obvious you have no worry about whether or not you make it to your final destination (aka, like totally the mall) but for those of us that would like to see where life takes us for a few more years we would appreciate it if you ate on your own time, put the dog in the back and for the love of all that is good in this life will you please not text while driving. That would be dandy.
Alright, 057-HHG, I’m really glad we had this talk. I hope you made it to the mall on time and got some amazing furry boots and some extra sparkly strawberry lotion. Buh-bye now.